[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”
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Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.
My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.
It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
LETS SHARE EMBARRASSING STORIES. me first: i saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
I put my hair up to wash my face and my son said you look pretty with a messy bun so I straight bought him a car even tho he’s only 11.
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”
ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.
God: you’re a roly poly bug.
Roly Poly: what does that mean?
God: you roll up in a ball and kind of poly around.
Roly Poly: I’m sorry what?
God: you roll up in a ball [grabs knees and curls up in a ball].
Roly Poly:
God: [rolls around on the floor] and poly around.
Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.
Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.
Flying cockroach: hahahahaha
Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”
Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.
Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.
I think I might have a shower.
*checks*
Yes, I have a shower.
Can’t, The Thundercats need me.
I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.
I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.
HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.
A sick whale is called an unwhale
*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
10: I just read that you have fingertips but not toe tips yet you can tiptoe but not tip finger.
Me: It’s 6 am.
Me: If I were you, I’d confront your boss
Friend: You would?
Me: I wouldn’t. If I were you, I would. If it were me, I’d do what you’re doing
4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*