I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80’s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.
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*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?
The new Ring movie looks terrifying
Ok, don’t let them know you’re a puma
Interviewer: We’re very impressed! You’ve got the job!
“REALLY!?! I’M SO HAPPY I JUST PUMA PANTS”
[in bed, 6 AM]
Me: Good morning.
Wife: mmmph
Me: Happy Easter.
Wife: mmhmm
Me: Guess who else is also Risen this morn-
Wife: GO AWAY
*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone
Breaking news:
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
incredible text to wake up to
Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
[Cretaceous Period]
T-REX: *eating pterodactyl, sad* I just wish it were meatier…
DRUNK GUARDIAN ANGEL: A meteor? Tha’s weird but ok 1 sec
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.
me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
This a good idea
When my cousin came out as gay, his parents wanted him to see a psychiatrist.
Which is too bad.
Cuz he was already seeing a handsome lawyer.
Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.
Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.
opening twitter today
This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
EMPLOYEE: back again? forget something?
ME: um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.