me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff
wife: where’s the baby
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doctor: i have bad news
me: uh oh
doctor: u have scoobyditis
me: *whispers* ruh roh
Happy 5 year anniversary to the photo frames sitting on the floor of my bedroom waiting to be hung up “when I get a minute”.
My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn’t sitting on the toilet.
tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
PROFESSORR: So, Attilla’s rise had a lot of unintended consequences.
ME: *Raises hand*
PROFESSOR: Yes, Andrew?
ME: Hunintended.
PROFESSOR:
ME:
PROFESSOR: Thank you, Andrew.
Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.
Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?
Mom: 27
こいつ天才
Good morning! Today I am manifesting the following:
-you having a good day
-a plain toasted cinnamon raisin bagel
-$50
-the total & complete downfall & internal collapse of my landlord’s morally bankrupt HOA
-weather that only requires a light coat
My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.
This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”
My heart hurts when you’re not around
*buuurrrrpp*
Never mind
Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat
If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.
I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.
I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.
this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job
Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
Me: I’m gonna go work on your car
Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in mathematics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: minus one
When my daughter asked who I was listening to and I said Eminem and she asked if he is white and I said yes and she said the green ones are best is how I know she’ll change the world.
When the audio cuts out at the end of a newscast and the anchors start chit-chatting I like to pretend it’s about my surprise party.
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits
I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.
The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
Man’s guide for a selfie:
1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie