BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
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I don’t care what nutritionists tell you- tortilla chips ARE a meal. It has everything your body needs:
1.) Tortilla chips
Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
This is no longer an app but a mishapp
Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”
[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!
I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.
*sucks stomach in for entire 3 year relationship*
gf: I wanna break up
*flops stomach out*
me: finally
13: Want to drive me to school?
Me: Not really, that’s why you take the bus.
13: We can stop at Starbucks on the way.
Me: It’s not on the way.
13: I’ll pay.
Me: You should lead with that next time. Let’s go.
me: I think you’ll find my resumé impressive
interviewer: this is a note threatening to…eat the moon?
me: [grabbing it] ah that’s not-*cough*-that’s for something else
[gates of Valhalla]
ODIN: did you die in battle?
[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]
ME: ya
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
*finally detangles ear buds
*plane lands
The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am
*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!
My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁
*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*
wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*
You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body
I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
me: how was school?
son: i got in trouble today
me: what for?
son: kung fu fighting
me: wow I’m so disappointed
son: but everybody was doing it
A customer told me they were never coming back….
4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel
I’ve gained 20lbs since the election. If Trump stays in office much longer I’ll have to chain myself to a girl in a gold bikini.