The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
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WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
P:…Go on
Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.
3am
Brain: What if all cats are named Meow and all dogs are named Woof and they’re just correcting us when we call them by the names we gave them?
“The truth has finally been revealed” around the world:
5. The cat is out of the bag (English)
4. The bunny is out of the hat (Czech)
3. The pigeon falls out of your mouth (Romanian)
2. The turtle’s feet have appeared (Taiwanese)
1. Now the monkey comes out of the sleeve (Dutch)
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you
Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.
My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter
A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.
Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
If you don’t have a panini press just heat up your corduroys and sit on your sandwich. Why do I have to solve all the hard problems
Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.
9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂
He was so close.
KIDNAPPER 1: Is he responding to the truth serum?
KIDNAPPER 2: *Walking out of room I was in, clearly emotionally exhausted* He has… just so many Harry Potter theories.
boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.
ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’
ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
my 8yr old daughter has to touch 3 cats before she can do anything.
we only have two cats.
Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”
Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.
Me: I’ll never be like my parents
Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!
I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.
Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.