James Bond is enjoying a tranquil shower at home after leaving active service. However, his peace is short-lived as his old CIA friend shows up and asks for help. In the riveting new film, “No Time To Dry”
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I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.
manning had to write 500 words about thomas edison, he got his 500 word count pretty quickly: When Thomas Edison was 12 Thomas Edison convinced Thomas Edison’s parents to let Thomas Edison start selling newspapers. (the entire paper is like this!!)
The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene
#dnd
[Breakup]
Her: We’re just different
Him: How?
Her: Well, you want to hike & camp
Him: And?
Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.
I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.
Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?
Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?
Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…
God: Lo shall humanity have dominion o’er the earth, o’er the beasts.
Beasts: wtf
Humanity: Haha yesssss
God: but also shall humanity feel bad about everything, all of it, every last thing shall they feel bad about
Humanity: wait
Beasts: lol
God: lol
i may or may not be making of small casserole with a half pound of cheese, minimum. maybe a whole pound. maybe more. maybe it will be more cheese than casserole. who knows? not me. stop telling me what to do
My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.
[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!
“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.
Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study
A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.
A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!
Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.
When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
MAGICIAN: Now the woman is in the box, I will saw her in half!
EVERYONE: *gasps*
ME *whispers to wife* ok you were right, a magician at a funeral is weird
Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
stages of eating a banana:
– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now
Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
If I had gone to Rydell High, I would have walked right up to Rizzo and asked, “Rizzo? Is that short for Chorizzo?”
The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
Where is your GOD now????
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *