Why are sports teams named after animals? Why can’t it be the Atlanta Cherry Blossoms… or the Denver Lettuce Wraps.. ?
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My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..
Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol
My wife said we need to go buy some more mulch for the garden. I’m just going to take the kids to the playground instead. When we get home I’ll empty out their pockets and we’ll have enough wood chips to cover the entire garden.
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!
The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.
That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?
Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?
Dracula: I had to pull some strings
i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.
sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what
[Traffic jam]
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.
her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.
*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*
“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed
My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park
Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?
Me: *gets on scale*
5yo: Whoa! That’s a lot of points!
My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
WIFE: I can’t believe you slept with my twin thinking it was me
ME: Cut me some slack – he was wearing your perfume
doctor: I’m afraid your husband has died
my aunt: oh no wait have you tried giving him *scrolling facebook* apple cider vinegar
Operator: 911, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, so I’ve heard of leaving your kid at the fire station, do they do pickup as well?
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!
Server: Would you like another glass of wine?
Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time
Server: For the wine?
Me: No, for silly questions
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.