How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
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Three golf clubs walk into a bar.
The putter ordered a beer, the pitching wedge ordered a gin & tonic.The barman asked the third one if he wanted anything,
He replied “No thanks, I’m the driver”.
#Wednesdaymorning
Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.
[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”
If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, it’s not because you’re undesirable or unattractive. It’s because you didn’t take the time to summon a demon & ask it out on a date and that is 100% your fault.
HELLO? HELP! I’VE BEEN KIDNAPPED & DROPPED IN A NON-ENGLISH-SPEAKING COUNTRY & I DON’T KNOW- wait. Nm. Fell asleep at Szechuan Palace again.
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
Five Guys: that’ll be $75
Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there
I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them
I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)
Shark week, but for squirrels.
When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.
website: select a security question
me: ok
website: make of first car
me: nah
website: mother’s maiden name
me: nope
website: the number of ducks you saw that one time in camp
me: bingo
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
🔦🌙👣
Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman
If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.
Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.
American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!
Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?
[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?
If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”
[first day as a bartender]
customer: i’d like this drink to go to the lady in the corner
me: [holding it] HEY
her: [looks up]
me: CATCH