*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*
Kid: But that means-
*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*
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Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.
Karen, will you marry me?
“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”
*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*
Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.
There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.
You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”
My 4yo asked if the tooth fairy pulls your teeth out in your sleep, and I deserve an award for taking the mature not-funny path of telling her “no”.
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what
Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?
My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing
One minute you’re 18 years old and in the mosh pit at a Black Sabbath concert and the next you’re ordering compression socks off of Amazon.
*extends arm for handshake*
Me: Hello, it’s nice to meet you
Friend: Sorry, but my dad is blind
Me: Oh…. HELLO, IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU
Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?
Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.
interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words
I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…
…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*
Me: *opening can of worms
Husband: Where the hell did that come from?
Me: I can’t resist a sale.
I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period
Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.
DIET JOURNAL
DAY 1: A little hungry. Stayed within my calories. I can do this.
DAY 4: A humpback whale responded to my stomach growls.