The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified
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*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf
Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.
DATE’S FATHER: if you could have dinner with anyone alive or dea-
ME: Launchpad McQuack
HIM: I don’t think you underst-
ME: Launch👏pad👏Mc👏Quack👏
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”
Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
Caveman Summer
Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs
“Everyone says they’re voting for Clinton or Trump, but I’m voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus.”
[Independence Day – 2017]
ALIEN {auto-translated}: We. are. taking. over. the. leadership. of. your. country. Do. not. r—
WILL SMITH: Fine
Call your teenage daughter by the dog’s name one time and she doesn’t talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.
Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-
Wife: YES!
My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus
If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.
Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible
Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..
Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really
If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.
Whenever someone asks why I have a bandaid on I say “I was fighting a henchman on top of a moving train and I got hit by a bee”
some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday
Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?
Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.