If I ever suddenly drop dead during a covert McDonald’s lunch visit, my wife gonna be so pissed when she finds that untouched cucumber and hummus sandwich in my backpack.
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Meow?
Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.
Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?
Instead of asking my kid if she’s brushed her hair, I ask if she’s cured cancer. I figure if I’m gonna be disappointed by the answer it might as well be about something really big
I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.
All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
Jesus: this is my body
disciples: *eat bread*
Jesus: this is my blood
disciples: *drink wine*
Jesus: I also made brownies
Judas: but I have diabetes
Jesus: huh. Well, isn’t this a shame *holds eye contact while eating a brownie* shame, shame, shame
Once, when I was drunk, I threw a fan out of my bedroom window because it wouldn’t turn on.
Guess I should of plugged it in first to see why.
According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
My dealer told me everytime i use a reusable container instead of giving me a new baggie he’ll give me a discount and thats what i call loyalty to the planet.
Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain
You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
me when I see my crush
WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.
Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.
Much to my 12yo son’s horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base’s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?
ME: There is no way
PAL: Why?
ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes
I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks
Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this
The Moon: *shines through my window at night and doesn’t let me sleep*
[Next Night]
Me: *pointing a flashlight at the moon* haha take that you piece of shit
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”
“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
Good morning, Twitter 😊
Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.