My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
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A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.
Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.
Bad news: I’m not wearing them.
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
Thinking outside the box.. 😅
Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?
I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!
My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”
Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?
Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants
I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
jesus christ confetti not now
Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later
There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.
My astrological sign is KFC gravy
[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright
*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.
I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.
I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers
Don’t take drugs… for granted.
Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”
The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.