Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her
Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?
Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really
Me: why are you on her laptop?
Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now
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Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct
Dear people with resolutions,
Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.
We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
Son: why is my name Bince?
Me: i missed the ‘V’ when i texted the doctor your name
Son: can’t we change it?
Me: finish your homework Bince
It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁
I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.
Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”
Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*
Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”
Client: “Oh I don’t have one”
Me *blinking intensely*
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
Do I speak Spanish?
Oui!
I never knew so many people named their kids after numbers until Twitter
Me: I’m not gonna go crazy this year
Also me: cooks 85 dishes for Thanksgiving and wonders why there are so many leftovers
Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks
My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
*puts my mental health in rice
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.
I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
Friend 1: Can you babysit on sa..
Me: Sorry I’m busyFriend 2: Can you feed my cat while I’m on vac..
*knock knock*
Me: IT’S ME I’M OUTSIDE
I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed