If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet
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I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying
I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.
Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵
Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
sometimes my cat will figure out i’m gearing up to leave the house and block the door just before i go to leave, yelling and rolling around, but she never does it when i’m trying to leave for work which tells me one thing: capitalism got her too
*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
“I don’t know, sometimes I just wish there was a room you could sit in that made breathing harder.”
– inventor of the sauna
Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy
Me: oh no!
Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels
Me: OH NO!
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs
People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?
I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.
*meeting a medium for the first time*
Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.
Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?
Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.
When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.
i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community
[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*
Brit 1:
“They’ve… just stepped away from their desk for a minute, can I take a message?”Translation: They’re staring straight at me.
Brit 2:
“Yes, when they get back can you let them know I’ve called?”Translation: I know they’re still at their desk.
Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they’re miniature versions of you
FIRST GUY TO RECEIVE A LETTER IN AN ENVELOPE: oh I get it she wrapped up a piece of paper in…. another piece of paper
My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby
I turn 25 in two weeks
houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.
When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.
It’s hard to tell from this tree.
If I was hanging off a cliff for my life and you told me to take your hand I would stop screaming to tell you I’m afraid of intimacy
u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm
Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.