[grocery store]
CUTE GIRL {bumps into my cart}: Oh, I’m sorry…that was on accident
ME: Well you know nothing ever happens “on accident”
CUTE GIRL {flirtatiously}: Haha, so are you saying…
ME: Yes, the term is actually “by accident”
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I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.
figuring out my emotional availability:
‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’
– idiots
formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
Hey I bet if lumberjacks had a dating app it’d be called Timber. And I bet also that if beavers had a dating app it’d also be called Timber. And I even bet—hell, I’m willing to say it—I bet if pirates had a dating app it’d be called Timber, too. You know as in shiver me
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia
Employee: please stop
Me: I’m just finding the right avocado
Employee: people usually just squeeze it
Me: *takes one bite out of another avocado* really?
*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?
Dental office: Your husband had two teeth pulled this morning, so he’s going to need a ride home.
Me: Ok, how’s next week for you?
3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]
The exchange I heard between my 4 year old and my husband when an ad popped up on her tablet. 4 yo: Can I have this? Husband: No, you can’t have an online Bachelor’s Degree in Nursing
Him: do you believe in miracles?
Her: well you’re here, aren’t you?
Him: *tearing up* oh honey, that’s—
Her: *under breath* and I’ve been adding arsenic to your food for weeks, so
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.
If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]
ME: Thank you all for coming
37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?