Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.
Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.
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[coming out of my bunker after the apocalypse happened]
friend: holly shit. everything is gone
me: i’m gonna try out for the nba
friend: what
me: i think i can make it now. do u think they’re still doin it
Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.
Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.
I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
me: “im using this quarantine to learn something new each day”
friend: “what did you learn today?”
me: “guitar”
friend: “no way you learned guitar in one day. prove it”
me, opening a guitar case: “this is a guitar”
friend:
me: “tomorrow im going to learn what a piano is”
The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.
If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”
It’s taken 7 years but I’m beginning to see the correlation between my kid’s hyperactivity and his sugar intake.
I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years
I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.
Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.
🚲+physics = winner
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
How old do I look?
9yo: 30
Aww, you deserve ice crea-
9yo: Just like grandma
-m but too bad you’re not getting any
{Talking to my friend who just had twins}
HIM: It’s so much harder than just having one!
ME: Well sure, cuz you have to decide which will be the control and which will be the experimental.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
As a joke I suggested to my 10yo that he was getting diapers for Christmas so he wouldn’t have to stop gaming even for a moment, and Reader, he hesitated.
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
WIFE: Why do you waste money on useless things?
ME: [scraping the S and H off the side of my new School Bus] Maybe useless to you Sharon
I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.
-Nervous Nelly
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…