I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
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my boyfriend and i met in a new york city publishing office a few years ago, and this christmas, he’s taking me to his hometown to meet the family, where i will for sure find out that, as a brunette who is dedicated to her job, i’m actually the villain of this movie
Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.
If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down
“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”
X-tra spooky blend
Wife: you’re drunk
Me: no’m not
Wife: I’M JUST A POOR BOY NOBODY LOVES ME
Me: HE JURSTA PRO BROY FUMMA FLOOR FLAMLEE
Wife:
Me: ok lil bit
*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS
Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
[first time hearing bag pipes]
ME: What a pleasant experience.
[1 minute later]
ME: This can stop.
And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”
KID: can i eat a tide pod
MOM: no
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: don’t use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant
“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.
*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.
JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”
IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck
applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”
I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks
If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think
Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
One time I corrected a student when she spelled “through” “thru” and she responded “that’s how *I* spell it”. I could suddenly somehow see her future self putting “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” in her Tinder profile
You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.
*live news report
– You survived a fall of thousands of feet…
– Yes.
– Parachute failed?
– Parachute? Haha. No. It was raining centipedes.
They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials