cop: did anyone follow you here
jesus: no
cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it
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I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
Guy- What’s your sign?
Me- Stop
I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price
[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.
Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.
My 5yo wrote the ABCs up and down his leg in permanent marker, it’s pretty much a kindergarten tattoo
I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
[At job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have a police record?
Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette
*hires me instantly
I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”
shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever
My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
thinking about that time they found a cat sleeping with a baby who’d been abandoned in a box in the cold and everyone was like “omg the cat saved the baby 🥺” but like…I’m prettyyyyy sure the cat was just there for the box
Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.
Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.
Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.
“How did your
*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*
favorite sports team do in their
*looks down again*
sporting contest today?”
Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?
Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.
ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock
WIFE: A WHAT?
ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous
DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*
I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.
Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.