Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered
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Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
[argument w/girlfriend]
HER: you know what your problem is?
ME: no, *grabs pen and begins taking notes* but i’m about to find out
Standing on the corner with a cardboard sign that says ‘will work around red flags.’
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
[Central Park]
Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter
Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree
I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…
Without the receipt, apparently.
If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.
I love when SVU recycles actors years later as if I won’t know this is the same woman who put a child in an igloo cooler and set it sail on the Hudson in 1999
Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”
#Caturday
Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”
People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
[driving home in silence]
me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy
gf: they were lowering his coffin
me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?
wife: not like this
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer
*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
Comedian: My teardrop tattoos are to indicate how many times I’ve killed on stage.
Guy: I don’t see any teardrop tattoos.
My daughter just told me I’m giving her gray hairs and ran for her stress ball so I think I’m finally nailing this whole parenting thing.
i dont really try to ‘make’ ‘friends’ on twitter im more like a wild deer and if you interact with me enough i may become accustomed to your scent enough to eat a carrot out of your hand
My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.
hot girls stay up late just so they can finally have some alone time
SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?
DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer
SON: what aisle?
DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”