My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
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I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?
Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men
god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference
I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.
I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
Dora: what was your favorite part of our journey?
Me: I liked the part where we went over the purple bridge into the candy forest.
Dora: *stares blankly*
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me: *nervous sweating*
Dora: that was my favorite part too!
Me: Oh thank god
Tony Hawk Pro Skater implies the existence of an evil, parallel dimension Tony Hawk Anti Skater.
hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts
I’m dying louder than usual today.
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse
The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.
[3am]
WIFE: *nudging my shoulder* I can’t sleep, do you wanna…
ME: *suddenly awake*
WIFE: …teach me calculus?
ME: We begin, as we must, with the concept of a derivative
The best way to save money on dental floss is by having your dentist remove every second tooth so your toothbrush fits between the gaps, instead.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Me: You’re going to prison?
My French accountant: Oui
Me: WE are going to prison?
I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”
Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?
Me: She’s my current wife.
Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
today my daughter’s preschool teacher told me she was going to separate my kid and her bff because “they’re codependent and fall apart without each other.” like ok thanks mrs smith, where were you when I was dating in my twenties
me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️
Wait for it
Me: I’m going to shower
6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.