Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!
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I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team
Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses
Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
Having a boyfriend is so awesome like there’s just a guy in ur house whose job it is to know where countries are and what exactly Watergate was
“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
*deals poker hand*
peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]
everyone, at exactly the same time: fold
Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.
Me: You’re absolutely right.
[buys the concert tickets]
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
*overheard in women’s bathroom*
I think there’s a guy in here.
The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.
When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
I asked 5 why she threw her peas on the floor and she said “it wasn’t me it was my imaginary friend“ and I said “I didn’t know you had an imaginary friend” and she said “I don’t, I just thought of it when you got cross about the peas”
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his birthday cake in the break room fridge.
He’s completely wrong. It wasn’t my finger.
Me: That’s pretty sus
12yo: Never say that again
Me: Why?
12yo: It sounded weird when you said it
Me:
12yo:
Me: Your rules are sus
‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.
Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.
Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
[interrogation]
Cop: what were you doing last nite?
Me: I was killin my neighbour, Bert
Cop: louder for the tape please
Me [leaning in]: I was filling in paperwork. I’m a busy guy
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
[God creating lizards]
God: How about a snake with arms and legs?
Snake: [trys to throw its arms up in disgust, but just remains very still]
Cops are raiding Justin Bieber’s house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can’t make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.