PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
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I call my ex “Appendix” because he didn’t seem to have a specific purpose and removing it didn’t change a thing in my life.
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
Leaning over with an open bag of skittles in your shirt pocket: a tragedy in one act
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
I see that your IQ test came back negative.
son: I hate my name
me: but you’re named after your grandpappy
son: I still hate it
me: now look here Grandpappy Tanaka
Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.
Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please. Be. Still.
3: What is still?
My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂
Him: how do you call your loverboy?
Me: C’mere loverboy.
Him: and if he doesn’t answer?
Me: ohhhh loverboy
Him: and if he STILL doesn’t answer?
Me:
Him:
Me: FFS, I walk away cause honestly I don’t have time for games.
*brings bucket of fried chicken in meeting*
*meeting starts*
*I eat each piece, crunching, licking my fingers*
*touches all the paper work*
[at TED talk]
OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?
*entire crowd stands*
No a MEDICAL doctor
*entire crowd sits*
movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)
My baby: Blabalaba! Bolababa!
Me: Yeah, that’s a fair point – I guess it’s really a personal choice, not a matter of figuring out one best practice for everyone. Thanks for talking this out with me.
why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening
One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.
Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.
Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!
Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!
Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?
ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?
Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.