Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?
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me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500
spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media
My text: Have a good day at school!
My son’s text: Thanks. I forgot to have you sign something. Can you show me how your signature looks.
After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
[on a plane]
Captain: I have bad news
Passengers: *gasp*
Captain: the middle class is dying
Passengers: oh, that’s true
Captain: first class might survive
Passengers: what
Captain: *tries to land the plane backwards*
Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
I keep every love note I’ve ever written because one day I’ll have grandchildren who will find them and it’ll fill my heart with joy to hear one of them ask what it means to tongue punch a fur burger.
No one:
Me: “The word “Militia” just sounds like Sean Connery saying the name Melissa.”
GUY: my new boss is gay
ME: my new bed sheets are warm
GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?
ME: exactly
Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.
Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.
when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth
“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was
The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.
Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.