4-year-old: Can I have some floss?
Me: You’re too little
4: But I really, really need it
Me: Fine. *gives her floss*
4:*ties up Barbies*
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[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?
If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.
1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…
2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?
I am the all knowing oracle, you may ask me one question
“How do you pronounce quinoa?”
[it’s just covered in sweat] um can u ask me another
Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
[Shipwrecked diary]
Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
How to start a fight with your wife:
1- Watch your wife buy a squash
2- Put it on the shelf
3- After three months ask your wife if the squash has a name
Whenever Becky says anything in the breakroom, I just say, “well, that got racist pretty fast” and walk out. I hate you so much, Becky.
Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!
Me: Nothing in the second?
Her: No, I skipped a period.
Me:
Her:
Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*
[toddler birthday party]
Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?
Wife: mine’s-
Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?
Wife: -432 months.
[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting
My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.
Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.
Me: if we stay on budget for the next few months we’ll be back on track
My bathroom pipes: good plan, right after you fix this leak
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
Townspeople: [shaking pitchforks at me] BURN THE WITCH
Me: lmao go ahead I can take it
Townspeople: you have a dumb face
Me: [tearing up] ok I was wrong I can’t take it