Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.
Her: How old is he?
Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….
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How’s your Saturday going?
I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.
What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.
Doctor: I have your test results
Me: did I pass hahaha
Doctor: hahaha you will soon
Me: haha what
I FREAKING SWEAR!! IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU ONE MORE TIME WHAT AN EASY-GOING, PATIENT, AND CHILL PERSON I AM, I’M GONNA LOSE IT!!!!
Doctor: do you exercise?
Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks
Doctor:
Me: cronchies
Doctor: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok
[ER Triage Room]
NURSE: So what brought you in tonight?
GUY WITH NAIL IN HEAD: My ‘98 Toyota Corolla, but I don’t see how that’s important right now
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.
How can I say no to this ?
Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap
Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.
Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”
I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.
Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?
*brings bucket of fried chicken in meeting*
*meeting starts*
*I eat each piece, crunching, licking my fingers*
*touches all the paper work*
Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof
Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching
Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.
Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back
so I asked him to move.
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.
When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
My favorite oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp.
2. Act natural.
3. Boneless ribs.
4. Civil war.
5. Freezer burn.
6. Adult male.
7. Happy marriage.
Me: Got my finger stuck in this beer bottle.
Wife: How?!
M: Just help me.
W: Have you tried butter?
M: It’s delicious. Now will you help me?