I want to make some business cards with this image so when people are like “what’s your type” I can just hand them one and say idk these are all men I’m attracted to, y’all figure it out
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WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.
Hot singles in your area!
They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.
I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.
Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.
4:
Me: *sprints to the toaster*
If my husband bought a creepy, decrepit house in the middle of nowhere to give us a “fresh start” and the evil spirit inhabiting it tried to possess me, he’d never hear the end of it.
20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris
dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!
me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?
dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home
me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol
I thought it would be funny to show my young coworker a picture of myself from 20yrs ago and say, “Nightshift is hard. This is me before I started working here 4 years ago.” She looked horrified, which was funny, but I still decided not to tell that joke anymore.
Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again
*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*
“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”
Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.
I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.
I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.
Her: ‘We should have another kid.’
Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’
If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.
My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
Watch out for scammers…if you see my profile pic or name asking for money and nudes, that’s not me. I’d only ask for nudes and recipes
evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…
Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.
“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost
Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.