In the midst of getting dressed, I got a notification that my painted lady caterpillars were delivered four minutes ago, so I happily ran down the stairs to go get them and realized right before I got to the front door that I HAVE NO TOP ON.
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[trying to impress my date] order whatever u want
her: i’ll have the lobster
waiter: [noticing i am pointing a gun at him under the table] we uh. we don’t have lobster
Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.
Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.
Brain: That guy is annoyed at you. You should feel terrible about it.
Me: But I hate that guy. I shouldn’t care what he thinks of me.
Brain: Yeah, but you do.
righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear
Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
Listen, I’m not gonna lie, I think if someone wanted to murder me they could just leave a trail of cubed cheddar and I’d follow it to my demise
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood
I do it one time and now I need bail
“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”
“Why tattoos? You wouldn’t put stickers on a nice car.” Ma’am I am at best a 2003 Corolla.
If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.
I was working in the yard.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.
I hit it with a shovel.
I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead
went to the movies and the whole time my 7 year old kept turning in her seat to look behind us. eventually i asked her what was wrong and she explained that the disclaimer before the movie told her to look out for anything suspicious.
When I was just little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here’s what she said to me…
Maybe there is a secret third thing
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
god: now to create a universe for man, my most beloved creation
lucifer: what if u make like 99.999% of it kill them instantly
god: lol ok
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”
🤣🤣🤣🤣
Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?
My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee
Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.
What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?
2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
I love using food in the bedroom!
But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…
I mayo may not.
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
Me: this is almost as scary as the dmv haha
Dentist: haha yeah, my license is suspended
Me: oh, what do you drive?
Dentist: deep breath and count back from 3. drive?