I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.
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I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
[God making peaches]
ANGEL: we already have nectarines
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them
ANGEL: what
GOD: what
[mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
Waiter: And how would you like your steak?
Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?
I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.
Working on my new impression, “drummer having a blast.” Keep an eye out for “guitarist who’s really feelin’ it.”
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
Thank you automatic ice dispenser.
I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.
There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.
sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”
Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.
*seductively peels off lederhosen
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?
Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”
Kid bunny: ok
Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots
Every fancy restaurant now is just named after two ingredients you’d never eat together. It’s always like “Basil and Butterscotch” or “Honey and Clam.”
Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.
I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.
I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.
Wife: You’re really on a roll today.
Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.
[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
It’s adorable when you give someone an informed opinion that they completely dismiss and then someone else basically says the exact same thing and now it’s a brilliant idea they’ve never heard before.
front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree
Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.