What’s going on? Why does the internet keep showing me videos of people chopping wood? Did I check a box for wood chopping somewhere?
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told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life
You get to choose which path you take.
I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.
[watching kids make snowman]
Me: Hey honey, do you still keep that thing hidden in your dresser?
Wife: Yes…why?
Me (pointing): I don’t think that’s a carrot they used for his nose…
I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably
MOM: I hope you brought an appetite!
ME: I have spent a year studying a snake’s ability to unhinge its jaw to swallow food larger than its own head
GRANDMA: so, still single
I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here
Teach a man to fish and you’ll have a lot more precious time to yourself in a quiet house with no one wanting something every 15 minutes.
Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”
You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.
*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial
A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.
I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.
I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.
I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.
[How salad was created]
You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.
– Single piece of lettuce
Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.
In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.
I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.
Just walked past a bin man struggling to get a wheelie bin to connect to the bin lorry. He said “come on, you silly sod” to the bin. Struck me as very British. We talk to inanimate objects like they’re frustrating mates. I called my oven hob a “bloody idiot” yesterday.
What the hell happened in there??
I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.