me: how can I impress your dad?
gf: he’s really into cars
me: ok
[later]
her dad: nice to meet youme: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie
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Tom drives smooth: Tom Cruise
Tom hasn’t left yet: Tom Waits
Tom taking low road: Tom Petty
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?
Oh sheet.
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
sugar glider wrangler
“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”
Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.
My cat: thank you so much for the new luxurious window seat
Me: it’s literally a suitcase on a chair
My cat: it’s perfect I love it
My cat: the folded sweatpants on top are a nice touch too
Friends: Come have a drink with us!
Me: Nah, I’m not doing that anymore.
Friends: C’mon, just one!
Me: Okay, maybe just one…
[ 11 drinks later ]
Me:
Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.
Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack
I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.
Brain: You’ve got ONE shot at this.
Me: Ready.
Brain: Go talk to her.“YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?”
Brain: Magical!
hate when the barista asks “do you want whipped cream?” it feels there are only two answers: “yes please, i’m fat.” or “no thanks, i’m fat.”
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
Hey ladies, I can spell ‘Häagen-Dazs’ without googling it if anyone is looking for a good time tonight or anything.
Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.
Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
If covid had hit in 2007, there would be 1000 tweets a day saying “Covid has to isolate after being exposed to Chuck Norris.”
I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.
The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–
Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.
4: *sigh* kay…
2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe
*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!
my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”
What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you
Therapist: So what steps can you take to break your people-pleasing habits?
Me: Ask my mother what she wants me to do?
Therapist: No.
Me: Sorry. Are you mad at me?