My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
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I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.
Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, “You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it.”
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
How to tell you’ve had a successful business meeting:
1) You ate free food
2) You said one thing that was confusing enough to sound intelligent
3) You left with no assigned action items
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.
Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.
Now what?
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]
I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.
Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving
The upside to wearing a mask at work is I can yawn in meetings and no one knows. The downside is I yawn so much I look like I’m crying
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
ME: So, where are the Hobbits?
GUIDE: Again, that’s Middle Earth. This is Central America.
ME: Ooh, right. *Whispers in fear* Orc territory.
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
*steps out of time machine*
SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?
ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…
Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.
Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.
Me: i thought it was three?
Genie: taxes.
“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror