DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth
ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening
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Apparently this weekend there will be constant rane, hale, gails, drissle, thundre, litnin, hy tydes, tawnaydoes and frizzing colde.
Really bad spell of wether.
[first date]
Me: why isn’t a boy ant called an uncle
Date: why isn’t a girl praying mantis called a praying womantis
*we do it right there*
23rd Century Scientist: We’re sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission.
Henry Ford: Yes, sir.
Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.
~dogs, apparently
Some of you have never been told to ‘Leave room for the Holy Spirit’ by an old nun with a ruler while slow-dancing to Boyz 2 Men at your Grade 8 dance and it shows
Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?
Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you
r/relationships
I (36m) met my girlfriend (32f) at the exact moment after i sucked helium from a balloon to do a funny voice for a buddy. now weve been together 8 months & Im constantly having to suck helium from balloons when shes not looking because she thinks that’s my voice
Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.
“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”
Today I learned that while playing vintage Mario Bros, screaming “GO DOWN” when you can’t get Mario to go in the pipe leads to some awkward questions when your parents overhear you.
Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.
[restaurant]
ME: Do you have updog?
WAITER: [sighs] No sir
M: Ok, is this gluten free?
W: No you have to pay for it
M: Damn you’re good
Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
Me, to everyone: Why can’t I fall asleep
Everyone: Lack of exercise and too much caffeine
Me, to internet: Why can’t I fall asleep
Internet: European dragon flu
Me: Oh nooooo
From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?Me: *nods*
I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.
ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
me: i need directions please
stranger: you need to go north and –
me: left or right
stranger: it’s a little more complex than that
me: *crying* LEFT OR RIGHT
I told my son to go pick up the dog poop and he slowly looked at his dad, “I would if the lawn was mowed.” He got real brave with that.
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?
angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos
[turns to 2nd angel]
God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?
angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷♂️
Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.