Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
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THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
“But, Daddy, I don’t want to shower, because after I’m done with the shower, and before I dry off, I’m really soaked…”
– My kid, coping with the realization that water is wet.
I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.
Shout out to the lady at the gym who just yelled into her phone ‘THE ONLY PROBLEM IN MY LIFE IS YOU BRIAN’; hung up and went right back to her workout
If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺
I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.
Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*
*listening to a Dateline podcast
Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
[creation of insects]
LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.
ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?
You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:
Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.
In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.
doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.
The neighbor’s 5yo keeps yelling “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” across the fence at my 5yo, and my kid just came running in the house and slammed the door, so I guess that answers that
Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.