Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.
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As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”
[class trip]
I’m farmer Joe, this is my farm
DO U HAVE COWS?
Yes, it’s a dairy farm
DO U HAVE WHALES?
Kid, why wouldn’t we have whales?
Met virtually with my therapist the other day & my cat’s head suddenly popped in the screen. Therapist stopped talking, pointed and whispered “CAT”.
When you’re in a meeting and you see a cat you have to say ‘cat’ just like you have to say ‘cows’ when you see cows while driving.
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
Car Salesman: We’ll give you $3,500 on the trade in…
Me: $3,800
Salesman: …but I’m going by Blue Book…
Me: Yeah but there’s at least $300 dollars in change trapped between the seats.
Salesman:
Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.
Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.
Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.
Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’
a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
[tinder date]
me: oh wow this is awkward
sunset: *just kinda sets there*
me: but i thought you were, you know
sunset: *still setting*
me: a shy woman who used a sunset pic as your profile photo and not uhhh
sunset: *fully sets behind the restaurant table edge*
Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.
Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
I’m such a sucker for floral print tops and dresses. Am I a middle-aged woman or a tea cup? No one knows.
Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.
I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
Everyone is awful in their own special way.
12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
COP: Know why I stopped you?
“Drag racing?”
COP: Nope.
“Speeding?”
COP: Definitely not.
“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”
COP: That’s the one.
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”