Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
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if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing
Me [proudly]: This is my son. He’s 10, a fine artist & great at math
Nurse: That’s a garbage can & your morphine drip is still attached
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.
I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.
DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”
Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.
I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat
Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.
*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.
I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore
A customer service employee on the phone just told me they can’t get me an appointment for the same day as the appointment they canceled, but as a courtesy, they won’t CHARGE ME DOUBLE.
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.
Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
School be like
(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂
GUY: *busts in bleeding* i owe money to some bad dudes you gotta help me
ME: *proudly reaches down and pulls the pennies out of my loafers* you’ve come to the right place