Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”
me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”
W-“no”
Me- “who’s the expert now?”
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Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
wife: oh cool, the zoo reopened
me: [sitting on couch shirtless in cutoff sweats while drinking beer] why would I want to go look at a some bored dumb animal who sits around all day doing nothing
religion? um, ha, no. i’m not really into the idea of letting a set of ancient rules dictate my life. plus, pisces aren’t usually religious
7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away
Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?
Cashier: Did you find everything you needed?
Me: Oh what I need you can’t find in stores, if you know what I mean.
C:
Me: Yes I’m good, thanks.
5 [falls down playing in creek]: ow my leg! Dad I need a Band-Aid!
Me: You’re not bleeding, Band-Aids are for when we bleed
5: I neeeeeeed one!
Me [sighing and preparing for placating, goes to put Band-Aid on leg]
5: not there! On my arm!
Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.
I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness
*lifts 10 pound weight*
Nice.
*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*
[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird
“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White
[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money
Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.
When people get food poisoning they always tell you it came out both ends. But there’s no need to malign the a** in that scenario, the food was going to come out of there regardless of whether it was poisonous
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.
Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.
I picked up 13 from a function tonight and he brought back a whole pizza left over. I ate a slice on the way home. Then I realized oh shit I’m 40 and oh shit it’s 9pm.
if you’re in first class on a flight sometimes they upgrade you to captain
You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
Music Party with the wee ones
Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.
5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid
I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
You say tired, I say challenge.
-A toddler at bedtime.
Once dated a girl name Lolly just so I could introduce her to my dad & say “This is Lolly, Pop.” Broke up with her like 5 minutes later.
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait
The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”
We are all that mom.
I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.