Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.
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Give a man a fish and he will think, “what a creepy gift.”
Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom.”
Last night, I hid the Oreos under my son’s folded clothes in a basket and asked him to put it away… which he SWEARS he did.
Now he’s standing in front of the pantry freaking out that the Oreos are gone. Who wants to tell him?
My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.
When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep
Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.
What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?
When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny
me making someone eat a chip with my mind
[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
“I’m running 5 minutes late” = I’m running 10 minutes late
“I’m running 10 minutes late” = I’m running 20 minutes late
“in traffic” = just got in a car
“leaving now” = disoriented, not dressed, was fully asleep three seconds ago
Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes
Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders
me: why does it have to be family get-togethers
“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.
And I’m not saying Big Foot is real or not real or bashing anyone’s beliefs. All I can say about that is if Big Foot suddenly shows up at my house, I’m not wasting time with photos. I’d just ask if he knows anything about plumbing or electrical.
Heard rumors that a coworker slept her way to a promotion. Damn, if the bosses only saw how much I sleep at my desk I’d own this place.
If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.
Maybe you should trust the CDC on how to handle a pandemic over your cousin Matt who is banned from Denny’s for setting off firecrackers.
Watching a movie and this guy just shoved three dead bodies into a trunk and all I could think was, “That’s some serious storage. What kind of car is that?”
So my question to you is, do I have to start wearing New Balance and cargo shorts now?
The moment I wake up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you…r underwear elastic to break because I don’t wish bodily harm on you but I think you deserve to be mildly inconvenienced.
The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.
me: is it cool if i add a little hat
person i’m tattooing: what no
me: ok [starts scribbling out the little hat]
(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin