the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing
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If God wanted to impress me with his ‘miracles’ he would’ve impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.
him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7
me: before rush hour, smart move
Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.
Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably
kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
I just stabbed a pin in my arm.
Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said ‘Ouch.’
Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.
Then tell the lion.
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?
That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.
I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”
Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*
Go little guy, you’re free now.
Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.
Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm
My son 🙋🏽♂️was SO cute today, he asked me “dad are clouds candy?” 😍 I told him they were water. 💦 Then he asked “dad, what’s Earth’s defense system?” and then I remembered I don’t have a son and he asked again his eyes now obsidian black “what is the defense system father”
Dog: WHAT IF I’M HERE ALONE FOREVER
Dog 911: WHAT WILL U EAT
Dog: probably eat the cat LOL
Dog 911: LOL
Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order