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me: i need to a place to relax.
cruise ship director: say no more. i want you to imagine a giant office building on its side filled with thousands of people floating in the middle of the ocean.
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.
[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan
Maybe Kate Middleton ran away with me. You don’t know.
I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.
I used to be such a party girl, and last night I went to a concert that played until 11:30pm and I was fighting for my goddam life to make it
When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.
A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend
My neighbor across the street does yoga in her yard, I watch her through my guest room window, but I don’t use my binoculars because that would be creepy.
ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy
[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes
If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor
If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it
Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”
My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.
Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”
6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!
The evidence to the contrary:
The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.
When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
PLOT TWIST:
[on date]
*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*
Her: Can you pass the salt please?
Me: Crap…
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for
Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn’t say 19 hours a day* cheating
The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.