is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner
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I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**
*me
**National Cheesecake Day
I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/
after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.
I’m at the bar & I’m trying to convince this girl with a leopard print shirt to go & bite this girl with a zebra print shirt.
Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?
Me: Does sex count as exercise?
Dr: Yes.
Me: No.
If I had $5 (inflation) every single time an older woman started the “I’m his wife, we’ve been married x amount of years, you can talk to me” fight, I’d have enough money to buy this app and give it it’s old name back.
Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day
Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime
I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.
Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on
I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.
“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb
“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
If I insisted on getting my kids to bed by 7:00 every night, I’d have to start their bedtime routine just after breakfast.
Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly
When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶
Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”
A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?
jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget
People say “Home is where the heart is”.
Actually though, the heart is between the lungs in the middle of the chest, behind and slightly to the left of the sternum.
Idiots.
I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds