We have to buy a new toaster because my son tried using the icing packet from his toaster strudel as a potholder to protect his fingers and dropped it in the toaster, where it melted and oozed icing all over.
But in his defense, it didn’t say not to do that on the box.
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*at the gym*
Trainor: Have a donut.
Me: Wow! Sure!
T: Here’s some pizza.
M: What kind of trainer are you?
T: I’m a Megan Trainor.
Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool
Nothing at all like us…
How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?
Ewok’d the rest of the way.
#BearDay #RubbishJokes
“so she’s gay now?”
yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden
STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET
1) PUT SHEET ON BED
2) FOLD BED
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
mom: I don’t like Alexa, why can’t people turn off their own lights
also my mom: good night 👏🏼👏🏼
[lights go out]
‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’
~me as a 29-yr old.
Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.
HER: DM me later, okay?
ME: Okay.
*later*
ME: *sends her a message* Your party, weary from your travels, gather at the tavern in the hamlet of Oakwood. A friendly barkeep serves drinks to the townsfolk as a traveling bard takes the stage. Go ahead and introduce your character.
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.
If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]
water polo ref: still no
Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
It’s so weird, when I was a kid BBC Radio 2 played dated songs for old people – but they must have had a policy change over the years cuz now they seem to play cool, awesome songs for young people like me!
It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.
ME: I worked at a zoo for a while
THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda
4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.
Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer
Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.