When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.
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Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)
interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?
Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that
Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
ME: *scattering remains* He loved this park.
PARK RANGER: But…but he hasn’t been cremated!
ME: *lowering axe* Cremated?
“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities
“Have you considered living on campus?” I ask.
“For a school that’s 30 minutes away? That’s crazy.” My 17 year old answers.
I eat my chili from a small ice cream bowl with an oversized serving spoon (because all of our dishes are in his room) as I stare sadly out the window.
oh ffs josh did you not read the email
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?
Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
[zombies eating me]
Zombie 1: does he taste funny to you?
Zombie 2: no, he tastes like he’s trying too hard
Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.
I don’t have kids, so at night, my dogs lovingly place shards of bones instead of Lego’s on my path to the restroom…
doctor: there are two wolves inside of you
me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?
doctor: won’t we all, someday?
me: shouldn’t you know?
doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy
“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently
What do you mean you don’t like Mountain Dew?! Do you even think about the Appalachian children, setting out before sunrise each morning, climbing high to collect the finest dew from the finest mountains? No, you only think about yourselves.
Protip: If your coworker has a picture of herself and her dog labeled “Beauty and the Beast” you shouldn’t ask her which one is which.
*3yo’s birthday*
Me: happy birthday, can you blow the candles out?
3yo: ok *blows hard*
Me: great job
3yo: great blow job
Me:
3yo: ?
Me: …. just eat the cake
The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500
Them: your dog is so cute, does she shed?
Me: only twice a year
Them: and how long does it last?
Me: 6 months
HER: I just put the baby down for his nap
ME: maybe he’ll actually sleep this time so we can have sex
BABY:
No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee