Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?
Me- Never, just ask my husband.
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[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
*reads your mind*
*decides to wait for the movie*
Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?
Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.
Her: You took a cab?
Me: I’m gonna give it back!
Come on royal family, it’s not that difficult to name your 3rd child. I have 3 sons, Dustin, Jacob and what’s-his-face.
dictator is short for richard potato
Divorce lawyer: we should talk about custody
Me: I can’t trust her with my ant farm
Wife: he means the kids
Me: I trust them even less
*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm
Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.
I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
[forest precinct]
DETECTIVE OWL: HOO
BEAR: I dont know
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: I DONT KNOW
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
“Why tattoos? You wouldn’t put stickers on a nice car.” Ma’am I am at best a 2003 Corolla.
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
FWD: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: THE DOGS HAVE LEARNED HOW TO EMAIL THIS IS YOUR DOG HELLO SUSAN
You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa
In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
My dentist has decorated his office with pictures of teeth he has worked on, thank god my gynecologist doesn’t have the same decorator.
Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”
Me: “ok”
Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”