You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
You Might Also Like
If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.
poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out
Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.
Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.
*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*
Him: Ouch!
Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up
I just “shaved “both my legs with the little plastic cap still on the razor and didn’t notice until I was “finished” with the second leg.
I just scraped shaving cream off my legs like ice off a windshield.
My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.
[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.
Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.
Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.
Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA
[Priest faints]
After he passed, we wanted to honor Uncle Jim’s lifelong passion for recycling. Trust me, this is far less disturbing than the coat hooks at Bill’s house, or that thing in Aunt Janet’s nightstand.
Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
My girlfriend and I started dating after her car ran into mine.
We met by accident
Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.
Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for long but *gets down on one knee* Will you marry me?
Priest: Actually I’m here to marry you AND your fiancé now get up people are staring
Man: a pack of condoms please.
Cashier: would you like a paper bag?
Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
Husband: So we’ve basically given up.
Me: On what?
H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.