people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic
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I never tell people about how the pens on my desk double as excellent ball-scratchers BEFORE they put them in their mouths. That’d be silly.
I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.
[8 AM]
Me: Time to wake up.
[13 HOURS LATER]
Me: Time to go to bed.
Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.
OMG 🤣🤣
“No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dye.” Auric Goldfinger giving instructions at his Easter egg decorating party.
Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
[Doing a crossword quiz]
Wife: what is an exclamation of impatience. 6 letters.
Me: “faaark”?
I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.
If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.
So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.
But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.
I call bullshit.
me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
But it’s not the “worst way” either…
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.
*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*
Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.
Lmao my first taste of adulthood was learning you had to actually pay for Microsoft office. I had be using it for free my whole life as a student. It didn’t even occur to me it cost money to have it at home
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
PROFESSORR: So, Attilla’s rise had a lot of unintended consequences.
ME: *Raises hand*
PROFESSOR: Yes, Andrew?
ME: Hunintended.
PROFESSOR:
ME:
PROFESSOR: Thank you, Andrew.
3 month plan:
1. Get a man
2. Plan fancy dinner
3. Check in on Facebook
4. Instagram dinner
5. Make that bitch Kelly jealous of you for once
Warden: Have you completed your analysis?
Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL
Warden: I’m not paying you
Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!
What woman say right before they kill you:
Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.
On the box it said “do not put your tongue on battery.” I would never put my tongue on a battery.
Although. I kinda want to now.