If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents
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Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
Son: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [frantically swatting away bees because my bald spot makes me look like a flower from behind]: yes it’s great
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me: *takes first bite*
waiter: HOW’S EVERYTHING TASTING
[Romeo and Juliet as turtles]
ROMEO: Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath
JULIET: I’m just stuck on my back
R: we’re turtles, Juliet
“I never trust anything from the government!”
*uses highways
Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.
Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.
Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!
the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.
I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.
Told my 9 year old school is cancelled for at least 4 weeks due to coronavirus and he asked why scientists don’t just develop “nanorobots to go in our blood and eat the virus.” So if you lazy scientists could hurry it up he’d appreciate it thnx
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you
astronaut: space is a vacuum
dog: i’ll see you when you get back
Genie: “You have three wishes.”
Me: “I wish for a burrito with guacamole.”
Genie: “Okay but the guac counts as your second wish.”
Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel
All I’m saying is anyone who thinks it’s a great idea to buy a black car with black leather seats, needs to make sure they test drive it on a 104° day.
Me: I want a labrador but pet shops are so expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
*serious situation*
My brain:
him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night
me: yeah they say most people do
him: but they’re usually asleep
me (crunching): semantics semantics
him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition:
Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?
Wife: Right here!
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?
Me: Yes
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
Physicist: *pounds fist* None of our models predicted this!
Cindy Crawford: What did you expect? My major was Chemical Engineering.