Not now pee, I’m sleeping.
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Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.
“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”
hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad
“Ok thanks dad”
well shit
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.
Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.
[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.
When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you
Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
While I was out picketing my dog unlocked a new skill and figured out how to steal the cat’s food so now he doesn’t get a midday snack because he already HAD one so now everybody at my house is mad and that is why this strike needs to end, your honor.
Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.
*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*
The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it’s actually one guy who’s chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”
I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.
I love when parents have to repeat themselves to their kid and they rage enunciate the second time:
dad: do you want a ham sandwich or turkey and cheese?
kid: what
dad: do👏you👏want👏a👏ham👏sandwich👏or👏turkey👏and👏cheese
If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.
Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit
The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread
I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar
GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
GENIE: …dammit