*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
You Might Also Like
FRIEND: do you think your truck would hold a queen size bed
ME: *long drag off a candy cigarette* trucks don’t have arms, Gary
me: i trained my cat to talk
her: let’s see
me: name an object pronoun
cat: me-
me: what do i say when i’m hurt
cat: -ow
her: this sucks
me: just wait
cat: we’re just getting started Linda
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
One way to tell if a funeral home is not very good is if they send your loved one’s cremated ashes to someone else by mistake. That’s a dead giveaway.
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
3yo: play it again!
Me: I can’t, baby
*3yo throws epic fit*
Radio, you’re tearing this family apart.
Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”
Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
Banana is the quietest snack
Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*
Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!
My favorite state to visit?
Unconsciousness
Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.
I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
cop: know why I pulled you over?
fortune teller: well let’s just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick
Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
THEN: Pizza
NOW: Cauliflower Pizza
THEN: Mashed Potatoes
NOW: Mashed Cauliflower
THEN: Fried Rice
NOW: Cauliflower Rice
THEN: Steak
NOW: Cauliflower Steak
THEN: Leather Jacket
NOW: Cauliflower Trenchcoat
THEN: A Car
NOW: Cauliflower with 4 wheels glued on.
If I had a nickel every time a recent film featured a nihilistic, multiverse traveling supervillain who causes the protagonist to encounter other versions of themselves all because of a bagel- I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice.
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
Friend: Pics or it didn’t happen
Picasso: Here
Friend: Ok, that doesn’t actually clear anything up
I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.