“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.
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“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies
You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”
My 8-year-old correctly used the word “aesthetic” in a sentence.
When I asked her where she learned it, she said YouTube.
That site is ruining her life. It’s turning her into an English major.
Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.
HER: I think we should break up
ME: But…why?
HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue
ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction
HER: Or both
Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving
I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle
My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha
ME: I like nerdy girls.
HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?
ME: Yes. Exactly like that.
Man down! Send in back up!
*wife comes rushing in the room*
“What happened?!”
*i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*
Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.
My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.
Them: who ya gonna call
Me: ghostbusters
Them: sweet, what’s the number
Me: they didn’t say
Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time
Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 😂
Cat is stressing him out.
When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.
My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake…You know, cuz… “Here I go again on my own”.