On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
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Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
YOLO!
Jesus: Hold my wine!
Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…
Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*
I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time
People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
[job interview]
“Tell me a strength.”
I’m a decision maker.
“Excellent. How about a weakness?”
I’m a bad decision maker.
none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box
Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names
Keep me in your thoughts. My wife is unloading the dryer and I can’t find a corn bread muffin I had earlier. Pretty sure I left it in one of those pockets.
“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms
[Grocery store checkout]
Me: *cracks open a beer*
Manager: Sir, you can’t do that in here
Me: It’s ok, I’m gonna pay for this
Manager: No, I mean the pony. You can’t ride a pony in here
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.
I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.
WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?
ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools
I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.
It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.